CHAPTER ONE

“You’re going to be alright. You have to be.”
Rachel blinked her eyes and squinted under the hospital lights in the white sterile room. She couldn’t stop shaking. Still groggy, she closed her eyes again. No, I will never be the same again, she thought. The warm words of the petite brown haired nurse touched her and hurled her even deeper into the well of shame that engulfed her. How could anyone care for me and treat me with such compassion after what I have just done? Rachel wondered.
It didn’t help that the doctor had also been sympathetic. Tall, young and entirely too good looking for this job, he had smiled warmly while trying to distract Rachel with some frivolous conversation about allergies. Rachel had tried to reciprocate, but could not have been more humiliated if a billboard with her on it had been posted in front of the hospital.
She could see the hospital staff moving around, but was not sure what they were doing. She couldn’t focus on anything. Fresh tears ran down her face and into the tracks of the not so old ones. The tears followed each other in a steady stream now, threatening to drown all her sorrow, but they could not. Tears flowed as though they could wash away the act; wash away the shame and indiscretions making Rachel new again. They could not.
Rachel had gone under anaesthetic in tears and had come out in tears. She wondered if she had cried throughout the procedure. Was that even possible? She could remember the hospital staff being so cheerful and kind. It was sickening. Did they treat everyone like this? They had made every effort to cheer Rachel up. The nurse closest to her head had been humming. She had short dark hair and an easy smile.
“You’re going to be fine sweetheart, really you are.” She had said, all too knowingly. Had she done it too? Who were these people? Didn’t the nurse know Rachel was about to be struck with a sudden and complicated death as punishment for this grievous sin, this hideous act that she had done not once but twice?
Rachel could only think about the possibility of her dying during the relatively safe and simple procedure. Safe for me, certainly not for my baby. She knew she would have deserved it. She was so grateful when her eyes opened.
The anaesthesiologist had told her to count to 10 and then she would be out. She had willed herself to stay awake as she searched herself for the answers. Did she really want to do this? Was she doing the right thing? Did she want to abort another child? As she reached three the answer came to her, NOOOOO! She wanted to scream. Let me go home! It was too late. Now she was awake.
Where was her baby? What did they do with it? My. God. How could I end up in this position, again? She had promised herself she would never do it again. Now this was a pattern. She was 24 years old with two children and two abortions under her belt. Not to mention countless trips to the clinic for emergency contraception. Wasn’t that the same thing? But this time wasn’t her fault. She couldn’t think about it now. She had to get home, before her mother got back from church.

Rachel pressed her eyes together attempting to squeeze out all the tears, the pain and the sadness. The nurse was back. More love, more soothing. Didn’t she know she was an accomplice? How many more would she assist today? This was a job?
These people are sick. “I need to get out of here.” Rachel hadn’t realized she had spoken out loud.
“No, honey you have to rest. I’ll bring you some food when you get to the recovery room.” It was the accomplice. They were still in the procedure room. Rachel glared at her. “How long have you worked here?” she charged.
“A few years.”
“And you like it?” She demanded with her eyes wide.
“It’s my job. I like to help people.”
Rachel almost choked as she tried to hold back a wicked laugh. Help people?
She doesn’t know herself either.
Rachel looked around the recovery room at the other patients. The walls were a soothing green, and the burgundy leather chairs were well cushioned, but nothing could comfort Rachel. One of the other two women had a man with her. Sickening. You actually let her go through with this. And you call yourself a man? Rachel couldn’t even look at them.
Rachel was alone. She burned with embarrassment. Of course, it was her choice. She had not told Jamie. Indeed she would never tell him this.
“He would kill me.” Rachel whispered to herself. She suddenly felt a new chill and drew her blanket tighter.

After 30 minutes Rachel was led to the area where she would get dressed. She held her head up and tried to look casual. She had to pass many people, some staff, some patients, and visitors. She wondered if they knew what she had just done.
“Here you go honey.” Wasn’t honey sweet? Rachel stepped into a small room that had several cubicles for dressing. She entered one and closed the door. She started to think about her life and where she was going. Nowhere she was proud of.
This month she would turn 25. Her sons were 4 and 5. They were born 10 months apart so they would both be 5 in December for two months. They got a kick out of that. Jonah was so excited at the prospect of catching up to his brother. Joshua thought they were going to be twins for two months.
Rachel let out a weighted sigh. Imagine if they knew what had happened today. Anyway it was for the best, wasn’t it? What would she do with three kids? She thought back to her time in the recovery room.
Rachel had heard soft footsteps on the hospital tiles. The accomplice had come to check on her. Rachel was feeling fine aside from terrible cramping. She had not experienced that before. Of course this time was different. Rachel had read that when people were being operated on their bodies often tensed under the touch of the scalpel. She wondered in her emotional condition, what her body had done.
What about her baby? What did they do with it, she wondered? She had to do it. She couldn’t have another child. Not like this. Not for Jamie. Yet she was so sick with grief that she couldn’t think about it anymore. It was over and she would go on. She was not going to let it get to her, stay with her. Not like the first time. This baby would not haunt her like the first one.
She got dressed, washed her face and finger combed her jet black hair. Last year she had cut it in a short bob, but it had long since grown out of the style and now hung past her shoulders. She powdered her face and put on her signature raspberry lip-gloss. Her mocha skin was flawless as always. She was ready.
She was not allowed to leave the hospital alone so Rachel had taken a cab to the hospital and called her best friend to pick her up. She hadn’t told Fatima why she was going to the hospital. She knew Fatima would not want any part of this.
When she came out of the dressing room Fatima was waiting. By the look on her face Rachel knew she had figured out what was going on; and she was mad.
Rachel signed the release papers at the nurses’ station and quickly turned to leave. Fatima was steps ahead of her.
“Fati, please, I can’t keep up.” Rachel complained as she weaved through the people. She counted the steps until she would be on the carpeted section of the floor closer to the door. She felt like a child who only started to cry as soon as her mother appeared.
Even though she was a few months older than Fatima, she always felt like Fatima was the mother or big sister. She just had that way about her. Rachel stepped gingerly as her cramps intensified. Just before she reached the sliding doors that would take them outside Fatima turned to face her best friend of 19 years.
“Where is Jamie?”
Rachel pressed her lips together, then blurted out, “He doesn’t know, I couldn’t tell him this. He’d kill me if he knew.”
“Why, because he wants one more child for your mother to support?”
“Fatima, come on, you know I work. I take care of my kids.” Rachel had never burdened her mother financially, but did still live in the house where she had grown up.
“Maybe you should start taking care of yourself.” Fatima fired back.
“What did you say to me?” Rachel stepped aside to let a wheelchair enter the lobby.
“Let’s go. I parked out front.”
The two women walked in silence and when Fatima opened the passenger door Rachel slid herself into the garnet coloured Acura MDX with difficulty. She was in so much pain. Why?

Fatima went to the driver’s side and entered the car. She wore designer blue jeans, as usual. She wore a baby pink top and matching headscarf, with pink sunglasses on top of her head. The pink complimented her complexion which matched Rachel’s perfectly. She wore sun glasses year round. She would get headaches if she didn’t. Still she hated them. Fatima always felt like she couldn’t see when she wore them.
They drove most of the way in silence until Rachel couldn’t take it anymore. “Fati, say something.”
“Do you need anything before we get home?” Fatima was a health sciences student, with an eye towards medical school. She knew exactly what Rachel would need.
“I need to pick up this prescription at the pharmacy.” Rachel took out the prescription and held it in her hand. When they arrived in the store parking lot Rachel handed it to Fatima. “Could you get it for me?”
Fatima’s eyes widened and she glared at her friend in astonishment. This was too much for Rachel. She knew what she had done, she was grieving, she was in pain and her best friend in the world thought she was garbage. She crumbled under a heap of hot tears.
“Please Fati, I can’t walk.” She started to sob now as she dropped her hand. She didn’t even care if she got the prescription or not. Indeed she would have been happy to be left on the side of the road. She deserved to suffer and she was not going to fight it. Fatima snatched the paper from her hand and while Rachel fumbled in her purse for money, left the car without saying a word.
Rachel leaned back in the car and let out a big sigh. She was relieved to be alone. She was so grateful to have Fatima as her friend. She knew she was upset with her now, but she still would never let her down. She could always depend on Fatima. They had been best friends since Kindergarten.

Rachel had been new to the neighbourhood and entered school in senior Kindergarten. Her parents had moved around a lot before settling into Fatima’s neighbourhood.
On the first day of school Rachel had been very nervous. The first day of a new school was always the worst. Fatima had been in her class. She had been so small and cute. She walked right up to Rachel and said, “Hi, I’m Fatima. Do you need a friend?” She had known then. And she knew now. She always knew what Rachel needed. She always knew what was going on with her, even when it was not clear to Rachel herself.
The two girls had gelled instantly. They were inseparable. Fatima was the kind of friend that was just like a sister. The kind you loved sometimes and hated sometimes. You just couldn’t stand a day without her, but sometimes wished she would get out of your hair and off your back, at the same time feeling so grateful that she was there. Yes, she loved Fatima, but she had Rachel really ticked off right now. “You just can’t possibly understand,” Rachel said to herself. She hadn’t intentionally made a mess of her life.

“Here you go.” Fatima was back with the medication. “There are two bottles in there. The little pink ones you take twice a day 12 hours apart and the large white ones you take three times a day with meals. The insert will give you all the details.” Fatima was behind the wheel again.
“I don’t know what you’re all puffed up about. I only asked you for a ride home.” Rachel was hurt and embarrassed but needed to hear Fatima talk. Even if she was angry it was better than the silence.
“Why didn’t you tell me what was going on?” Fatima asked softly.
“Would you have come?”
“That’s beside the point.” Fatima said.
“That is the point.” Rachel laughed at her friend indignantly as she wiped away the last of her tears. She needed someone and Fatima was the only one she could call. Fatima knew it.
Fatima sighed. Her voice was even more gentle than before. “What about before today. Why didn’t you tell us you were pregnant?”
Rachel looked down at Fatima’s expanding middle. “I didn’t want to bring you into my problems.”
“It didn’t have to be a problem. We’re all here for you. We love you. We would have worked it out. We would have helped you, Rachel” Fatima said. She stopped at a red light. Pedestrians started to cross the street. Two women were pushing strollers and another elderly man was walking with two toddlers in a wagon. Where did all these kids come from? Rachel wondered.
Rachel wrinkled her brow and scowled. “We? You mean you, your husband and your truckload of kids? I think you have enough to deal with.”
“You know it’s not like that.”
“It’s been done. Just forget it.”
“I know it’s not the time, but we will talk about this.”
“Yah, whatever.”
Rachel closed her eyes and leaned back and tried not to think about the pain. I deserve it. She thought to herself. I’ll probably be infertile after this. Why she was thinking about fertility when she was the single mother of two boys was beyond her. Maybe she still had the dream of meeting Prince Charming. Maybe then she could have a family of her own, a real family, like Fatima.
She thought about everything Fatima had said. She knew she had given Fatima a hard time but Fatima was right. Rachel could have turned to them, all of them. She knew that. But how could she tell her why she hadn’t? How could she tell her that she was so ashamed that they were both pregnant but under such different circumstances?
How could she expect Fatima to understand while she excitedly made plans for her baby with her beloved husband, that Rachel was pregnant again? No she just couldn’t tell her. She had made the only decision that she could. She needed to block Jamie from her life. She couldn’t allow him to have any excuse to come around more than he had to.
“When did all this happen anyway?” Fatima was talking again, and Rachel really could not take anymore.
Rachel exhaled and rolled her eyes under her closed lids. “I thought you said this wasn’t the time?”
“Answer me Rachel. I haven’t seen Jamie in months.”
“Yes, it’s been a while.” Rachel sighed heavily and braced herself for what was coming.
The full realization of what Rachel was saying started to sink in. Fatima hadn’t seen Jamie in the neighbourhood since December. It had been at least four months. Fatima glared at her friend in shock. “Why did you wait so long?” Fatima could barely whisper.
“Hey, keep your eyes on the road.” Rachel was eager to change the subject.
“Why, Rachel?” Fatima gripped the steering wheel and signalled.
“I didn’t know for a while. Then I didn’t know what I wanted to do.”
Fatima pulled the car into a gas station and parked. “What are you doing?” Rachel asked.
Fatima put her hand on her own abdomen and dropped her head as tears welled up in her eyes. “You should have come to us. We would have helped you. I mean, you came this far, why not just have the baby? We would have helped you. Rachel, you know we would have helped you.”
Fatima was crying now. She was always so emotional when pregnant, but she rarely cried. Rachel knew she was heart-broken, and she was feeling guilty about involving her, but she wasn’t going to let her get the best of her. She wasn’t going to break down again. She had been through enough.
“Please, I don’t need this now.” Rachel ran her fingers through her hair clutching the roots and looked out the window to try and remain composed. It was a sunny day and many people were out walking. Her eye rested on another mother pushing a stroller. I wonder if she’s happy.
“You? You? Is it always just about you? You had no right!” Fatima was having difficulty containing her anger.
Rachel was angry too. “Excuse me? Who has the right then? It’s my life, my body.”
“You’re sitting in my car talking about your life? Didn’t you call me to pick you up? Doesn’t your life affect everyone around you? You don’t live in a bubble. You have a lot of talk for someone who couldn’t even find her own way home.”
Rachel avoided looking at Fatima, and did not respond.
Fatima continued. “You want to talk about your right? You had the right to use your head. You had the right to choose smartly. You had the right not to throw yourself around and abuse yourself! You had the right to make choices that were good for you long before today.” Fatima was sobbing now. Her head was in her hands, her elbows resting on the wheel. “You had no right. You had no right.”
People were starting to look inside the car as they passed by, but Rachel rolled on without a second thought. Fatima just didn’t know who Jamie was. “That’s fine for you to say, Miss. Perfect Life. Sorry I don’t have the ideal professional-basketball-playing husband to take care of me.”
“Give it up! You’re no different from me. You chose your path. I can’t believe you could do this. Is it even legal this late?”
“Uh, well it was in a hospital.” Rachel snapped back. Fatima started up the car.
“This is disgusting. This is disgusting. I can’t even hear this.” She pulled the car into traffic.
“Fatima please I’m sorry, I can’t handle this now. I just want to go home.” Rachel was crying again too. She was not surprised at this kind of reaction. She hated involving Fatima, but she had had no choice. She had no one else to call.

“Does your mother know about this?” Fatima’s voice was softer now and she kept her eyes and head straight ahead. The traffic was getting heavy now as they were getting closer to rush hour.
“What? Mrs. Thou shalt burn in hell? I don’t think so.”
“You really underestimate Naomi. She is more understanding than you think.”
Rachel fanned her hand in front of her face. That was a signal to Fatima that she had had enough. She was finished now. She had no more energy for this topic.

They turned onto their street, the street they had both grown up on. It was early April and the mature trees that lined the street were budding. There had been heavy rains in the last week and the sprawling lawns were green. Many houses had early spring flowers already in their gardens. The neighbourhood had primarily older residents and the lawns were always well kept. Most of the children had grown up and moved away. Houses didn’t often go for sale on this street.
Rachel and Fatima had lived two houses away from each other, Rachel at 108 and Fatima at 112. A few years after Rachel had moved in another family had moved in to number 110, with a boy that was destined to come between them forever.

“Hey, I thought Ali was away?” Rachel had spotted Ali in his driveway stepping out of his black Range Rover. Ali and Fatima had married shortly after Fatima’s high school graduation. Ali had already been playing basketball for one year and had bought the house across the street. They both wanted to stay close to their parents. Fatima always said she wanted her children to be close to their grandparents and with Ali on the road so much, it was a big help. If Fatima wanted to travel with him their three girls had more than enough people to take care of them.
“Actually, I thought he was coming back on Friday.” Fatima said, as she pulled into Rachel’s circular driveway and curved around the flower bed island.
“Hmph. Maybe he’s checking up on you. No telling what you’re bound to do with your growing belly and all.” Rachel was joking, but Fatima didn’t laugh. Ali had noticed them and stood waiting in his driveway for Fatima.
Fatima temporarily put the car in park in Rachel’s driveway; the same driveway that they had played hopscotch and spud in thousands of times. In spite of her anger Rachel sensed that Fatima was happy to be there for her. She did seem happiest when caring for others.
After Rachel left the car, Fatima continued around the island and drove forward into her own driveway. Rachel slowly walked towards her front door. Yes, she had made some bad decisions in her life. One really. Jamie. She just kept on paying for it. She couldn’t change the past. She had to deal with the present. The abortions were history. There was nothing to do but take care of herself and her sons. Whatever decisions she made had been best for her. She was sure of that.
Rachel paused before she reached her front door. The street was quite and she could hear Ali and Fatima’s conversation. She knew Fatima would not tell Ali anything about the events of the day, but she still felt compelled to listen anyway.

“As-salaam alaikum,” Fatima greeted her husband. “Am I confused, or are you home early?”
“Wa alaikum as-salaam. Wa rahmatullahi wa barakatu. Is everything ok?”
“I was going to ask you the same thing.” Fatima responded.
“Change of plans.” Ali looked past Fatima across the street.
Fatima usually kept abreast of Ali's schedule but with her own exams coming up and being in the last trimester of her pregnancy she had been too pre-occupied.
“I didn’t sleep too well last night. You sure everything is ok?” Ali’s gaze settled back on Fatima.
“Everything’s fine.” Fatima turned to look across the street at Rachel. The two women’s eyes met before they turned away and entered their homes.

Once inside her door Rachel leaned against the heavy wood frame. She hated this house since her father had died. Nothing was the same anymore. She felt like she was on a fast downward spiral. What had really happened to her today? How is it she had made a promise to herself that she could not keep? She had promised she would never terminate another pregnancy. Yet she had. Who was she really? She knew Jamie would come around some time, maybe tomorrow, maybe next week, maybe weeks from now. He would continue to float in and out of her life until she put a stop to it. She was definitely ready to end it. She had been at the lowest point in her life today. Things had to change.